2015 Kicked My Ass

Its been practically 3 months since I’ve figuratively put pencil to paper. That wasnt my plan; so far from my original plan. So what happened to my so-called plan?

I clearly remember December of 2014. At this very moment it seems like so long ago. I was in the middle of finishing up a hysterical post about a project my son had completed in one of his classes. At the same time I had all these ideas taking root in my head knowing that 2015 would be a great year for my writing. I felt happy knowing that it was all sorted out perfectly in my mind, both for my creative self as well as for my personal life.

Then… the midnight clock struck loud and hard, welcoming the year that kicked me, and my loved ones swiftly in the ass. While everyone else heard laughter and bells and exchanged kisses…2015 had other plans for me. You’ve heard the saying, “you make plans and god laughs”. Well… I may not be the type to apply that literally but Jeez, the concept of it is definitely on point. While others worked hard to keep to their new positive resolutions, I struggled to even care. All those seemingly rooted ideas wilted away, suffocated by darkness, by sadness, even anger. My brain was loaded, weighed down. 2015 was intent on molding me in to someone I no longer recognized. Into someone I didn’t want to be.

But how do you get away from your own self? Simple… you don’t. You just fake it. You fake it for others and you hope, that all this pretending would convince even your own mind that all is fine. That the ugly moments have passed. That you picked yourself up, dusted yourself off and all is whole again. Well, joke was on me, because that can last only for so long before your own self turns on you. Reminding you that those ugly moments have not been solved, that you truly haven’t picked yourself up, that you are still sitting there planted, ass to floor. Honestly, it felt like i was eternally pms’ing, every… single… day. And as any woman knows, that is the equivalent of….HELL!

So, it is now March 23rd and here I am, finally writing something. Why now? Did something change? An epiphany? A mood changer? I’m recalling a conversation I once had with my niece quite some time ago. Here’s a young woman who has encountered so many roller-coaster loops in her life that she’s developed these suction cups on her feet just so she can adjust regardless what direction life has her facing. When she was much younger though, after many disappointing decisions she asked me how would she know when she’d have to change things up. “When you get sick and tired of the life you have. When you get sick and tired of feeling the same pain. When you can no longer accept the same outcome. That’s when you decide to choose a different path, a different option”. Not sure at this moment how that applies, but it’s what came to mind and it’s a great story.

So, either way, I was ready with my lists, with my goals, my well devised thought out plans. So when 2015 came in like one giant maze with mirrored walls, trapping me in I felt lost. Any direction I faced, I was still staring at myself, and apparently that person in the mirror, nor I had a clue as to what was really wrong. Then recently, from within those walls, as I sat knees to chest in a corner defeated, I overheard an attack on a loved one. Forgetting myself for a moment, I apparently sprang to my feet and took both offense and defense. Instead of trying to find the way out, I just crashed and shattered each mirror as confronted. Sometimes, the way out is right THROUGH the problem. A well needed match under my ass.

Going back to the previous story about my niece, THAT’S the application. I found my other option. Meeting each problem head on, not worrying about the solution, just trying to defeat it regardless of the pieces that fell. I’m humbled to remember that life is more than the way we plan it. True success and achievement is how we adjust to the different paths that come our way and not allowing any of those changes to defeat us. A perfect plan does NOT exist for me.

Looking back at my life, I see that each perfect plan was shifted to force me to recreate myself. And although each of those “shifts” may have caused some sadness, I can say with confidence, that I LOVE how I’ve been able to recreate a new me, a better me, a stronger me, a more substantial open-minded me. It’s still a work in progress, I’m still a work in progress but I’ll take it. Better to progress than to be standing still.

So, here’s to the next 9 months left in 2015. I know with certainty that I’m about to encounter some huge, gravity defying nasty loops. But if love for my family and friends is what lights a match under my ass enough to go head on to it all; and if I’m being shifted to become stronger and more keen to it all, then I’m hopeful that I’ll see myself right in to 2016. And this blog post, being the first of this year, is proof that I just shattered down one of those mirrors. To the hell with bad luck, broken mirrors is just what I need.

— Elke

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