This week’s epiphany; I’m looking for a career in censorship. The type of censoring that will allow me to “DON’T” people. If you ever read the segment of “Do’s and Don’ts” in an issue of a Glamour magazine, you’d agree with me that the Don’ts are always a lot more entertaining and satisfying. This dream career would consist of me stamping the offender with a prohibition circle (that’s the notorious red circle backslash symbol) to denote a big fat fail at life. Admit it, we’ve all wished we could exert the same freedom of non-filtered speech than that of a 70-year-old geezer; no hair on the tongue; no restraint. It may be innate to desire eternal youth, but this allowance of non-restraint is a definite big seller on the old age thing. Bring it on.
1. Don’t fart in the enclosed, non-ventilated stairwell.. reserve it for the bathroom. When I make my way to the ladies room I brace myself for the inevitable and expected funky smell. But when I decide to use the stairwell instead of the elevator, it should not
greet me, smack me with the type of smell that makes me wonder if the last person here just didn’t make it to the restroom on time. I even reluctantly glance at the corners for probable evidence.
2. Don’t throw YOUR garbage on to MY lawn. I don’t care if the outside perimeter is a little disheveled, it doesn’t give you the right to toss your empty Corona bottle or Coke can on to it. You hear me barrio boys? If I lived in the slums, sad to say I’d expect it….but not here. And either way, wouldn’t it be in your best interest to just save that bottle and trade it in for the 5 cents I’m sure you so desperately need?
3. Don’t disparage a woman for breastfeeding in public. Her boob is doing exactly what its supposed to be doing. Oh, you’re uncomfortable because it’s happening in plain sight? Have you protested the hot perky topless tanners on the beach? Have you protested the dudes wearing shirts three sizes too small exposing their protruding beer guts? Have you protested the hood rats with their pants sagging so low that the waist band should be renamed the assband? Have you protested thong bathing suits exposing the users butt cheeks?
AND YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING… SPEAKING OF BUTT CHEEKS…
4.Don’t admire a Photo-shopped picture as if the image is equivalent to what it would be in real life. Case in point, Kim Kardashian’s greasy and oily immense bare posterior in this months Paper. Anyone that watches their show (yes, I have on occasion) will know that her posterior does not mimic this picture. And any man who ogles at it as if it were the real deal can just as equally ogle at Jessica Rabbit (I’m sure many gaming nerds have; no offense to the Nerd community). But neither are real. Made up enhanced images to take over the mind of the male species. Pay attention; this is a test of mind control at it’s finest. Suckers!!!
5. Don’t tell me the heating unit will do its job for my bedroom according to the box’s printed specifications and then stay on for five hours and raise the heat in my room all but three useless degrees. What the hell! My electric bill went up more degrees than that in five hours. You should pay me for repacking that thing and schlepping it back to the store. Better yet, I’ll just send you this months JP&L bill and we’ll call it even.
6. Don’t tell me that blowing the leaves from the yard that belongs to the house YOU live in is annoying. It’s just as annoying for me every time one of you pesky kids declare you’re hungry yet again. Didn’t I just make you all lunch? It’s just as annoying to wash the same clothes and linens that I just washed a week ago. Your leaf blowing session only lasts for one season a year… as where my annoying household duties like cooking and laundry are year round. Do you want to repeat that statement or retract? That’s what I thought.